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For as long as memory serves, my attractions have spanned across the spectrum of human bodies, without concern for the gender within. Encounters with cisgender men were familiar territory, yet when it came to my relationship with a self-described gold star lesbian, I found myself pondering if my sexual acumen was as universal as I'd hoped. It was in the midst of this introspection and some earnest dialogue with her that I rediscovered the foundational tenets of sexual engagement: the importance of communication and consent.
This anxiety, though baseless, was rooted in the reality of my education. The sex education offered in the public school system of the 90s and early aughts was strictly cisgender and heterosexual, painting a picture of sexual normalcy that failed to include the richness of queer experiences. Despite the progress we've made and my own queer identity, there are remnants of those early lessons that persist, challenging the way I view and engage in sex.
Queer sexuality invites us to shed shame and approach our identities with an exploratory zest. Engaging in sex beyond the heterosexual binary is a conscious choice, one that fosters healing and liberation from culturally ingrained ideologies, serving as a testament to the freedom of our authentic selves.
Here's how to break free from the confines of binary sexual expectations and redefine your queer intimate experiences:
Do you catch yourself questioning the validity of non-penetrative sexual activities? It's time to expand your definition of sex to include outercourse—kissing, massages, mutual masturbation, toy play, dry humping, fantasy sharing, and non-tactile intimacy. By stepping outside of binary sexual norms, you unlock a world ripe for exploration and pleasure for you and your partner.
Communication is the linchpin of any relationship. Be open with your partner about your desires in the bedroom. Discovering and communicating erogenous zones, which can be found all across the body, empowers both you and your partner to craft a sexual experience that feels authentic and deeply connective.
Your comfort is paramount. If certain touches feel off-limits for you, honor that. Great sex is defined by what feels right for you, and a considerate partner will respect your boundaries. This holds especially true for those who experience gender dysphoria; you are entitled to set boundaries for how your body is engaged with, without the need for elaboration. Simple statements like 'I don't want to be touched there' or 'That doesn't feel good to me' are entirely sufficient.
Experimentation can open doors to new realms of pleasure with a trusted partner. It's essential to engage with a partner who is understanding and free from judgment. Many hold back due to fears of inadequacy or concerns about appearance during sex. Remember, sex is about enjoyment, not performance. Consider discussing performance concerns with your partner, adjusting lighting, choosing to remain partially clothed, or introducing one new activity at a time to enhance comfort levels.
Respecting your readiness for experimentation is critical. If it doesn't feel right, honor that self-awareness. Queer sex defies conventional norms and can enrich intimate connections, leading to greater satisfaction, intimacy, and communication in relationships. Let your imagination guide you, and embrace sex as a joyful exploration of self-acceptance.